(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
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Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.