Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
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Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year