quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
You Might Also Like
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.