My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
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Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.