ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
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An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
philosophical skeletons be like
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!