{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.