Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
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Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
You can’t outrun your problems…
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
never ask a starfish for directions
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?