I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?