please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!