I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
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Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
This is not me but this is me
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.