I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The internet is full of many things
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
me and who
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”