I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
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me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit