Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Happy Halloween 🎃