First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
dogs can find happiness so easily
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.