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PhewThe Chosen Phew
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had