Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
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One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My life coach traded me.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.