Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Note to self: I am a note
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me :
All Day At Night
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
fair
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️