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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay