this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no