My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
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Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Smooooooth
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty