REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Finished stitching this today 😇
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know