A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Sounds like a bargain
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.