You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
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Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Traveler’s camo
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years