How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Breaking news:
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.