4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
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In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
doing your own taxes
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.