Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
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KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My teenage children choosing violence
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.