Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.