I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad: