Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
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[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.