My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks