Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?