Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
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When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
No. YOU-buprofen.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me