Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.