Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat