Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
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Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen