[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
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If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
japanese corn
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand