“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.