Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Growing up was a huge mistake
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone