ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.