They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
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So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…