Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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Fight
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life