When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION