My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
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remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.