Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Um … Hot Wings please
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Who called it baking and not making love
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Only short people can save us
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?