We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
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CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking