I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”