Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
plums roundup
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
How to wake up a Beagle
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*