my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.