My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
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Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
jesus christ confetti not now
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.