*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
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Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
buying dead houseplants to save time
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
hmmm
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.